“I am full of mistakes and imperfections and therefore I am real.” S. Hick.
I am not perfect
I have so many issues that they even overwhelm me at times.
I have to have ice in all of my drinks, with the exception of wine. But then I have those fake ice cubes to keep the wine cold, so I guess it is ice in all my drinks. Speaking of drinks, I do not like the smell of milk, and so I have had to drink a glass of milk since I was 8 years old when my Mother tried to make me drink it. I was very thirsty that day, but I prevailed. And no, I don’t drink the milk when eating a bowl of cereal and yes, it has to be whole milk, not 2% or nothing like that.
I love popcorn that is cooked on the stove top smothered with real butter. Microwave popcorn is for those who do not care about really enjoying the taste of the corn. And it has to be Orville Redenbacher because I am a popcorn snob. I also feel it is a sin to Bar-B-Que meat with sauce. You just don’t cook meat with the sauce on it. The sauce will burn not char, and you will just have burnt sugar.
I am quietly stubborn. When I get in my head that is not the way it should be done, I quietly protest with a passive aggression that Freud would be proud of. I complete the mission, assignment or task, but it is at my own pace and speed. I am a team player, and will never let an organization or team fail because of my lack (see below on disappointing people), but I will probably not “play” with that person again.
I will not watch scary movies. I must be the only person on earth who has not seen any of the Halloween, Friday the 13th, or any other movie that has stuff that scare me. My anxiety levels get way to intense, and I can’t watch. I change the channel on TV if I think that it is getting too intense. Heck, I even skip the pages of books for the same reason. I don’t like surprises. People jumping or the unexpected action really bothers me and I do not watch or participate if possible. If forced to I will go to your goofy horror flick, but I will have my eyes closed and have a song in my head the entire time so that I won’t be paying attention.
I have imperfections.
I am overweight, and have always been. This has led to much insecurity about the way I feel about the way I look, and to the many “relationship” mishaps that I have entered into. This has led to bouts of low self-esteem that I suffered through even as I was facilitating classes to women about life choices and feeling great about oneself no matter the situation. And while I am accepting of how I look, there are days, when I look in the mirror and go “What the front door?” Even in my sexiness, there has always been the concern of my weight, and so I make excuses and reasons why I do or don’t do what I do.
I have problems listening. Really, listening in general is an issue for me. This has been a problem for quite a while now. I have been working on this essential skill for many years, especially since most of the jobs I have had require me to listen. My mind wanders when I am bored by what you say. Or, more than likely, what you are saying is just plain stupid, and I want to stop you before you cause irreparable harm to my opinion of you. I am learning, however, to listen to you and to let you be you because it is a part of your journey not mine. But really, some people need to think before they put their words and thoughts out there in the universe to be heard or ignored.
I tend to drop out of sight and disappear when I think I have disappointed people. I don’t like to disappoint others…one of my biggest and most significant flaws. The idea of purposefully hurting someone is just not in my DNA. I try so hard not to do that, and when I think that I have, I beat myself up, run, and hide. It is very hard for me to face someone after I have disappointed them, which it seems that I also tend to fall in and out of friendships rather easily. I don’t stay to see if we can pass the test of adversity. This explains why I have very few people that I consider my friends. Yet, because I don’t want to disappoint, there are very many people who think that I am their friend. Does this make sense?
It has always been difficult for me to accept compliments about most aspects of my life. I am not pretty enough, my work not good enough, my ideas not the brightest, my thoughts not the clearest…I am just not. It is hard for me to ask for help sometimes. I think that it makes me appear weak.
I take betrayal very seriously. When people that I hold high in respect behave in the most human of ways, I have a difficult time seeing them in that perfection again. It taints and colors my relationship with them and in many instances ends them.
I have made mistakes
I have made some really crazy judgment calls in my lifetime. I continue to be in a cycle of crazy, self- destructive and just insane behaviors.
Even with a series of advisers, I am terrible with my own finances, yet I can manage a multi-million dollar social service program budget down to each line item, and never return a dime to the funding source. This has forced some not so happy choices in my life that has left me at times with very limited economic options.
I can sabotage the very things that I say that I want, love, children, friends, and situations. There have been very real opportunities I should have taken, but did not because I decided they were not wrapped up in the pretty package I thought they should be in. I have ruined and eliminated friendships and relationships by my inability to forgive, always remembering, and never learning the lesson until it was too late. I have walked away from challenges simply because they were a challenge, and I did not feel like facing it.
The choices that I have made over the years have helped me keep my sanity and have driven me insane all at the same time. I have come close to the line of immorality, but I don’t think that I have crossed it…well with the exception of that one thing, but I am carrying that to my grave…lol. I try to live by the golden rule, and treat others better than I treat myself.
There are things and people I should have stood up for, fought to the death for and even died for. There were also things and people I should have not only walked away from, but run to those hills from which comes all of our help.
But I am real.
Each of these imperfections and mistakes make me who I am. And if I am nothing else, I am real. I laugh, and I cry. I dance, alone and in public. I put on magnificent singing performances in my car when I am driving to work each morning. I eat amazing food without caring about the caloric intake and drink wine, water, and other libations that taste good and make me feel great. I love hard and fast just as I hate slow and long. I smile and love to hug. I am slow to anger and easy to joke with.
I have thrown away the masks that I wore and have become transparent, because living life is more authentic that way. Life is easier when you are real. You are healthier when you are real. You are more relaxed when you are real. You are you when you are real. When you find the power to expose your flaws and imperfections yourself, you don’t live with the stress of if and when they find the real you. The ugly you, the beautiful you, the imperfect perfectly made you.
I see beauty in the ugliest of situations. I love the imperfections of the perfect. I embrace the mistakes of the absolute. I accept the flaws of the faultless. I understand the crazy of the sane. I hear the heart of the heartless. I touch the hardness of the softhearted. I listen to the questions of the unimpeachable. I love the coldness of those that are warm. I like the crabbiness of the kind. I hold then let go of the wickedness in the divinely good.
I am not perfect, and I don’t want to be…I am real.