Today I apologize to my ex. Yes, this is something that I must do. It is part of my growing up process and accepting the reality that is my life, past and present. Sometimes we remake the events in our lives, and turn them into something that looks nothing like what the reality really was. We remold our history to make us look good when the truth is ugly. Sometimes we make ourselves the martyr and the victim, when that is not necessarily how it is or was. So here goes:
While I thought that I was the perfect wife, in reality I was not the perfect wife for you. I could not be the woman you needed me to be. I did try, Lord knows I did try, well at the beginning at least, but it seemed like was never enough – and in my trying to be the one you needed, I ceased to be the woman I was.
I wanted you to be successful, but it seemed that you saw that was questioning your business sense. I wanted you to be the man of the house, but it was as if our vision of what that looked like was coming from two diametrically opposing places. I wanted you to protect me, but I never felt so insecure.
You needed me to support you 100%, even if that was leading us in the wrong direction. You wanted me to be a “traditional” wife, but I wasn’t June Cleaver, I was more like Claire Huxtable. You needed me to look up to you, as if you were perfect, but I saw your flaws. You told me once that I should complete you. My response was that you needed to complete yourself, I could only enhance what you had. I think that was when we both realized that deep down this was not going to work.
There were many times when I thought I was not giving you enough – that I was not loving you enough – that I was not supporting you enough. But I can honestly say that I did the best I could with the love that I was given. I know you were loving me the best you could, but I am sure we both see now, that was not good enough.
You lied, I lied, and yet we stayed. You cheated, I cheated, and yet we stayed. You were abusive, and still we stayed. I don’t know why it lasted as long as it did, I had often wondered about that, but it matters not. I do know that you gave me the strength to support your decision to leave, and for that I am truly grateful.
And while I apologize, I also want to thank you. You helped me grow up and discover that I was stronger than I thought I was. You showed me what and how I needed to be loved. I learned what I did and did not want in love, relationships, friendships and marriage. Because of you I know that I can stand up for myself. I know I can do anything, take care of everything, and insure that I want for nothing, just cause I can.
And so I apologize for not being what you needed me to be. For not loving you in the way you needed me to love you. I apologize for not taking care of you the way you wanted me to, and for not being the wife that I could and should have been. But please understand that this apology is not for you as much as it is for me. I need apologize so that I know that I have done what is required of me to do. Apologizing is what is to be done when I have done wrong or have caused harm to anyone, real or perceived. My apology is not based on your acceptance, it is not needed….just know that it has been extended.
And so I have done the uncomfortable. I can looked at a part of my life and accepted the reality of what it was and is…in the words of Martha Stewart, that is a good thing.