You would think that as educated as I am, as spiritually grounded as I claim to be, and as smart as I act, I would have figured all this out the first time life started over for me. But five??? Really Wendy, five times starting over. Five times to get the lesson. Five times to figure out how it is not going to go my way. Numerous times of realizing that he is not the one. Five times of falling for the same line. Five times of believing that they will change. Five times of wanting to believe in the people I chose to surround myself with only to discover betrayal, hurt and pain. Five times of not being in the right position. Five times of living a life that was fake. Five times of not being real and true to me….five times.
It is not that I am a stupid person, far from it. I am very intelligent. I am creative and think outside the box. I am the first person to admit that I don’t know everything and I always want to learn more every day. I always want to know more, and I know there is more to learn. I was a teacher for pity sake. I taught others how to move on to the next problem, or the next situation in life. I am an educator. I am a manager and administrator. I have run programs with multi-million dollar budgets, large staffs, and even larger client bases. Yet, I still have begun my life over again, and if feels like it is always from scratch.
I always start over with what I have perceived as nothing in my hands. New furniture, new cars, new places to live, new clothing, new friends, new jobs, new, new, new. But then maybe that is what starting over is all about. The newness that we would never experience if we had held on to those things and people that we more than likely were not to have in our lives in the first place.
Maybe I was at points in my life when I would not listen, or see, or hear what was going on. I was in places and situations that I was not supposed to be at or in. Many times I was in a place of comfort and I was not to be comfortable, I was supposed to be irritated, annoyed, bothered. I was complacent when I should have been aggravated. I was still, when I should have been moving. I was moving and I should have been still.
My start overs came at places in my life where I was struggling to determine my next direction in life, at my forks in the road, at the flip of a coin, at the shot of the dice. Most of my do-overs came when I needed to be stripped of things. People, jobs, ideas, possessions distracting me from my journey to where I was to be.
Do-overs are not easy, they are never meant to be because we know all the answers, and we just have to start acting like we know them. Do-overs are grow up moments, they are the Ah-ha moments in life. They are put your big girl draws on and let’s move on. Do-overs usually don’t come with our permission, but they must become permissible in our lives.
In the end, I am grateful that there were only five start overs, because Lord knows there could have been way more than that.