Tomorrow would have been what the anniversary of what is no more. It should have been one of the happiest days of my life, but for me, it was pretty much just another day. Nothing special about it, just another day in my life. I am sure it has to do with the fact it went nothing as how I wanted it to be. The day of my dreams, the one that was in my head, the one I had fantasized about since I first saw Cinderella, was not turning out the way I had envisioned it. But then nothing about that whole experience turned out to be the way I had imagined it to be in my head.
Ironically, I have no pictures of that day. All the professional photographers that were in attendance, reported that none of their pictures came out. I took that as a sign from God that this was something that was not to be remembered, I should have listened. The video that was shot, was never seen, have no idea what happened to it. Again, another sign from God that this was not to be a memorable experience. Again, I should have listened.
Sometimes we want something so bad, that we go full steam ahead not matter what the signs are showing us. If we would just keep our busy selves quiet, we could see that there are signs along the way screaming for us to wait. Just wait and be patient, the right one is on his way. The signs are telling us that this is not the one for you. My head was yelling at me to stop, drop, and roll away. But this day was what I had dreamed of. Invitations, dress, flowers, big church, the whole kit and caboodle, I was doing everything that all little girls dream of.
Since the beginning of time, I had dreamed of that day. I would be a sight of beauty and grace, wedding scene from Father of the Bride. The love we shared would be so intense, that the glow from it would radiate from us for the universe to see, (see last scene from the Fifth Element, you know the one where he tells her love is worth fighting for, and they become a ball of energy). The angles would be playing songs that celebrated the bond that we were about to share, (see Madea’s Family Reunion wedding scene…). My father would perform the ceremony, and my mother would be there to help me with my dress. But, alas, this was not how the day would be. More signs from God that this was not to be.
My mother had passed the year before, and my father, while he did perform the ceremony, was in the beginning stages of Alzheimer’s disease, so he decided to take family to see my mother’s grave site rather than do a Daddy – Daughter dance. (Hey, that should have been grounds for an annulment, incompetent officiate…lol) My wedding coordinator came to me at my reception and basically said that I had married the wrong man, and did I ever consider my musician. Really??? More signs from God. Even my siblings joined in the spirit of the day.
My brother, the sensible one, said to me, prior to walking me down the aisle, “we don’t have to do this you know. We can go upstairs, and tell them it is not going to happen, and everyone can go have dinner at the reception” . Surprisingly I was not offended by this suggestion…yep, another sign from God. My soon to be ex-husband was late to the ceremony because he was getting his hair cut, and his father was later than him because he went with the DJ to Radio Shack.
I went on and pushed through this monstrous day. Of course it did not last, for a variety of reasons that were not all his fault and not all my fault. And yet I remember that day. A day I saw my friends, friends that to this day support me, even in my craziness. I remember that day because my Daddy was there. I remember that day because it was an unusual warm sunny day in the mid-west…(or that was another sign not heeded…lol)
Most of all I remember that day as the beginning of a new chapter in my life. A chapter that, while not the one in my head, was a chapter that I gained a great amount of growth. A chapter that moved me physically from my comfort zone to a place that was totally new to me. It was the beginning of a journey that took me away from me, and led me back to me. And while I don’t ever want to go back to that day, I hope to one day have a new day that will have the visions of the new me.
So on tomorrow, I will celebrate the lessons learned, and cherish the people that I never would have met that became friends that never failed me. I will reflect on the hurts that are not as painful as they used to be, and I will remember the memories of times that are no more. Yep…I am celebrating that it is MY anniversary, and not ours…And that is a very good thing.